All That Glitters

Walking the dogs this morning, I saw a prime example of what not to wear. The trail we walk meanders back and forth, left turn, right turn, and so on and so forth, flanked on either side with steep embankments (one up, one down) jam packed with redwoods and other plant material. As we were rounding a bend, a flash of fluorescent highlighter yellow moved behind the trees. My mind raced. What an excellent color to wear if you think there's a chance of getting caught in an avalanche or lost in the woods. But can bears see colors? If yes, would you then be putting yourself in more danger wearing this? Which would happen first -- spotted by an aircraft, or spotted and eaten by a bear? Could they track your remains through the bright yellow bits in the bear poop? As I debated these issues, we inevitably caught up with the blur. That Boom Chicka Boom cheer lodged itself in my head. It was mesmerizing. Mesmerizing like a fiery accident on the side of the road. Behold! A woman with a huge fat ass wearing skin tight hot pink sweat pants with rhinestones emblazoned across the rear. The butt moves like it's doing the wave, back and forth, back and forth, quivering and shaking. Not only is the movement transfixing, but the words, they demand to be read, what with the rhinestones and all. But the movement makes this impossible. And so I spent several minutes staring at this rolling, jiggling ass. GUESS it says. Ah, yes. Guess, indeed. Yellow shirt. Tight pink pants. Rhinestones. If I were to guess, I would say yes, definitely if she was eaten by a bear (or coyote) they could track her remains via the glittery, hot pink, florescent yellow poop littering the forest floor, just like on an episode of CSI.